Randomness thread, part two.

[GatorJH]

did anyone read my big long post to start this page?

meant to

too many words...



cliff notes please

cliff notes will ruin it. It is well worth the read. I saw it a couple of years ago and STILL laugh my ass off when I read it.

[GatorJH]

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go shopping for the wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
1.Occupied.
2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3.Poo on seat.
4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the shitter. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

[ChrisBCritter]

^^ OMG. I'm CRYING from laughing so hard, how have I never heard that one before...

[Warpe]

[kb coolman]

a trillion stars for Gator!!!

OMG my stomach hurts from laughing so hard

[ProZachNation]

I am still on a Fuck EA bandwagon NHL 09 is a sick sick game... on 360 and PS3 on PC I guess they ported the PS2 version instead.... FUCK YOU EA YOU COCK SUCKERS

[ProZachNation]

Also very interesting, one of my best friends who I have known since I was like 5, confirmed that he was indeed gay. And I am the only person who knows. So now I told you guys because I suck at keeping secrets. I am happy for him ya know, has to be good to admit it to someone and I am glad he isn't the kind of person to keep it bottled up forever and kill themselves.

Also this has given me the balls to tell a good friend of mine, like one of my best friends that I have feelings for her because shit I might as well take a chance once in awhile or else I am just to pathetic.

[flomo]

taking vitamins makes me very horny

[kb coolman]

taking vitamins makes me very horny

You're doing it wrong?

[flomo]

taking vitamins makes me very horny

You're doing it wrong?

so those vitamin Es and omega-3s are not suppositories

[ProZachNation]

I am going to share my happiness with you guys.

So I talked to her and told her I had feelings for her and she told me then I better ask her out on a date.

So I guess that is good. Right?

[ProZachNation]

In other news I haven't played poker in like 10 days.
But I have been busy with school etc. and it is hard to play after a bad day and that carried on for a few days.


In other other news Lukie be proud of me I lost ~15lbs in January, I went form being able to do maybe 5 pushups to pretty easily being able to do 20 a few times a day. Doing some free weights and other stuff as well.

Really need to start jogging a few times a week,

The cool thing is I have noticed changes, arms getting cuts on them and not just one big blobular shape. Gut shrinking.

I mean I looked better and I feel better about myself and that is really all the motivation I need to keep going.

First few weeks are harder but when changes start to happen it is awesome.

[kb coolman]

I am going to share my happiness with you guys.

So I talked to her and told her I had feelings for her and she told me then I better ask her out on a date.

So I guess that is good. Right?

[ensign_lee]

I am going to share my happiness with you guys.

So I talked to her and told her I had feelings for her and she told me then I better ask her out on a date.

So I guess that is good. Right?

OMFG yes. Get to it son!

[Galapogos]

Also this has given me the balls to tell a good friend of mine, like one of my best friends that I have feelings for her because shit I might as well take a chance once in awhile or else I am just to pathetic.

This was the right choice. Friendships with girls are different than friendships with guys. Either take a shot and fail and let that ruin the friendship. Or don't take a shot and let her new relationship with a guy ruin the friendship (until she's single again).

Also, this page will be remembered as the page when Prozach tried with all his might to transform this monster of a thread into his blog.

[bigred]

Also this has given me the balls to tell a good friend of mine, like one of my best friends that I have feelings for her because shit I might as well take a chance once in awhile or else I am just to pathetic.

This was the right choice. Friendships with girls are different than friendships with guys. Either take a shot and fail and let that ruin the friendship. Or don't take a shot and let her new relationship with a guy ruin the friendship (until she's single again).

Also, this page will be remembered as the page when Prozach tried with all his might to transform this monster of a thread into his blog.

Yeah, guy relationships are strictly platonic!

[bigspenda73]

I bought 3 cans of tuna yesterday but I cannot bring myself to eat them. The past 48 my hours my diet has consisted of:

hard boiled eggs
wheat toast
oatmeal with brown sugar
seasoned chicken breasts

YAYLIFE

[ChrisBCritter]

I am going to share my happiness with you guys.

So I talked to her and told her I had feelings for her and she told me then I better ask her out on a date.

So I guess that is good. Right?

At which point you asked her out on a date right? RIGHT?? That's like the best setup evar..

[bigred]

I had a girl tell me to hit on her once but she went home with two of my buddies on previous occasions so I didn't. I got this thing about not touching "buddy used" goods. Anyone else agree?

[a500lbgorilla]

o hell yah. I had a friend who for some reason always seemed to hook up with "buddy used" goods and it always bothered me.

[bigred]

o hell yah. I had a friend who for some reason always seemed to hook up with "buddy used" goods and it always bothered me.

That shit is not cool man. And by friend do you mean UG, and by used goods do you mean me?

[ProZachNation]

The only issue is she goes to school 2 hours away

I told her I would pick her up the Friday I was home for spring break

I guess we will see what comes, and that is life, and I guess it is more important to live life then just move through it.

/livejournal


In other news yeah hitting on used goods is no good.

[kettleofish]

EA has been making great games outside of the sports realm as of late. Hard to hate them now.

I worked for EA a while back testing some of their great games. There was a whiteboard in the testing lab with the following guidelines on it for the gamestesters:

1. IS IT A BUG?
2. IS IT REALLY A BUG?
3. CAN WE PUT IT IN THE MANUAL?

I also remember a bug I reported for one of their games that basically said 'The 5 level minigame is too easy. The user can complete the 1st 3 levels of it without touching the pad at all because the AI attempting to kill the user walk around in circles headbutting each other until the timer runs out'. Came back as designed with the following comment:

Well, at least it might make the kids feel good about themselves!

[a500lbgorilla]

o hell yah. I had a friend who for some reason always seemed to hook up with "buddy used" goods and it always bothered me.

That shit is not cool man. And by friend do you mean UG, and by used goods do you mean me?

you know me too well

[ProZachNation]

haha I livejournaled page 21 as well

[swiggidy]

Woot, this thread can drink!!!

[BennyLaRue]

The only issue is she goes to school 2 hours away

I have travelled by foot, plane, train, bus and automobile for poon. It's really no obstacle at all with the proper poonfocus.

[BennyLaRue]

Oh, and bike and boat. And snowmobile. Subway, of course. Maybe a trolley or two.

[GatorJH]

no scooter for poon?

[flomo]

I had a girl tell me to hit on her once but she went home with two of my buddies on previous occasions so I didn't. I got this thing about not touching "buddy used" goods. Anyone else agree?

i have no problem with it, and i don't consider anyone my buddy, dude.

[GatorJH]

he's not your dude, pal

[bigspenda73]

wtf, came across this looking at Sarah Chalke's Bio, you'll want your 4 minutes back, trust me

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c0c...-rashida-jones

[a500lbgorilla]

I wish I were Jon Stewart and got to interview govt peeps under the context of a comedy show.

Then I wish I could turn off the cameras and cockslap em all. I think it's funny that we'd work so much better as a 1 party system (Repubdemocraticans) . So Team Republican would stop sucking so hard.

[Warpe]

Obama's speech tonight was a beautiful piece of oratory.

In other news, Ron Paul has introduced a bill to abolish the Fed.

[a500lbgorilla]

people need to start showin off Ron Paul

[GatorJH]

I have a client in Nashville and have been travelling here a couple of days a week for the past few months. Hotel and client are both near Vanderbilt University. There are some SERIOUSLY HOT coeds that attend Vandy. I mean they are like EVERYWHERE

[Jack Sawyer]

That SERIOUSLY HOT thing, I think its epidemic.
I swear that the SERIOUSLY HOTNESS factor has increased dramatically on average in recent years, and I can't explain why. Now that would be some gratuitous research!

On sidenote: I'm working on refinement, and as requisite I'm going to start drinking more wine.
But then I realize I have no good corkscrew. Anyone has a good one they can recommend?
It gotta have looks AND utility.

[XTR1000]

[Jack Sawyer]

Does not really have looks now, does it?

But unquestionable utility though.

[frosst]

I have a client in Nashville and have been travelling here a couple of days a week for the past few months. Hotel and client are both near Vanderbilt University. There are some SERIOUSLY HOT coeds that attend Vandy. I mean they are like EVERYWHERE

go to buffalo billiards on 2nd ave. that's where they go to chill. a

[GatorJH]

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/02/12/m...ery/index.html

pretty cool imo

[Lukie]

Musha rain dum a doo dum a da

[boost]

hooking up with the "buddy used" goods is so tempting at times, but its pretty much always the wrong choice.

[swiggidy]

On sidenote: I'm working on refinement, and as requisite I'm going to start drinking more wine.
But then I realize I have no good corkscrew. Anyone has a good one they can recommend?
It gotta have looks AND utility.

rabit wine corker

[kingnat]

i am drunk from one leg of a 3 leg flight back from fargo... i ordered two airplane bottles at a time.. and had 5 rounds... the azn steward thought that I was a fucking balla...

i'm currently in the continental wing of the newark airport... and feel weird....

i think i'm moving to fargo too.... keep drinking? the large hand points to yes.

[bigred]

i am drunk from one leg of a 3 leg flight back from fargo... i ordered two airplane bottles at a time.. and had 5 rounds... the azn steward thought that I was a fucking balla...

i'm currently in the continental wing of the newark airport... and feel weird....

i think i'm moving to fargo too.... keep drinking? the large hand points to yes.

Do it. Why didn't you bang the azn attendant? Then you'd be baller.

[flomo]

That SERIOUSLY HOT thing, I think its epidemic.
I swear that the SERIOUSLY HOTNESS factor has increased dramatically on average in recent years, and I can't explain why. Now that would be some gratuitous research!

On sidenote: I'm working on refinement, and as requisite I'm going to start drinking more wine.
But then I realize I have no good corkscrew. Anyone has a good one they can recommend?
It gotta have looks AND utility.

what do you mean by looks? classic? techno? super gay?

i regifted a rabbit, and then just threw the next one away-swig i'll send you my next rabbit

swiss army knife very practical--i use this often and find other uses for it
mine


i like the waiter's buddy type
but my faves are these types--screwpulls

[swiggidy]

what's wrong with the rabit?

[flomo]

what's wrong with the rabit?

just too big for me


screwtops less hassle standing between me and my booze

[swiggidy]

just too big for me

If only I had a dollar everytime I heard that...

I liked the rabit I used. Quick in, quick out. The screw tops work, but require some effort.

[Warpe]

random link:

http://celtics.fandome.com/video/109...Jumbotron/?q=c

[swiggidy]

random link:

You don't really need the preface in the random thread.

[kb coolman]

random link:

http://celtics.fandome.com/video/109...Jumbotron/?q=c

super awesome. he must really like Bon Jovi.

[Jack Sawyer]

Thanks flomo, swiggidy and xtr!

To tell you the truth, I was unsure what I was looking for. But I always like my stuff to be exclusive, like people see shit at my home they never 0w anywhere else.

So I think I am gonna buy this one:


Oenophilia Tangerine-Orange OenoPull Wine Opener with Foil Cutter

It looks striking, and it seems like it opens bottle's quickly. I hve no idea on the build construction, but its relatively cheap.

[UG]

I hope to meet Jack Sawyer one day.

[Jack Sawyer]

FTR Vegas '09 amirite?

You are welcome on my island anytime, since I to would like to meet a person with "Ultimate" in his name. Actually, this invitation is extended to the rest of the FTR gang as well, guys. We'll have some Buchanan's 21

[UG]

Vegas '09, you can sleep in my bed (bigred has dibs but for you I'll work it out).

(forserious) are you going to FTR Vegas '09?

If so......awesome.

[Galapogos]

I just watched a documentary called The King of Kong. It's about this culture of guys who seriously live to play Donkey Kong (the super old arcade version). It's fucking ridiculous how obsessed these guys are with the game and how they hero worship the current world champ. It is fucking hilarious.

[Jack Sawyer]

I'm shooting for it. Having that as my inspiration will probably make me stop being so lazy and grind.

I'd say its about 15% certain as of right now. The odds are against me, but that's the way I like it!

[UG]

your percentage sounds ridiculously low, should be closer to 100% imo

[will641]

there must be some sort of short stacking conspiracy going on. there are about 20-25 hu 1/2 tables running with ss'ers, then like 50 more of the fuckers sitting in at a table waiting for someone...wtf?

[swiggidy]

there must be some sort of short stacking conspiracy going on. there are about 20-25 hu 1/2 tables running with ss'ers, then like 50 more of the fuckers sitting in at a table waiting for someone...wtf?

Hai bonus

[bikes]

there must be some sort of short stacking conspiracy going on. there are about 20-25 hu 1/2 tables running with ss'ers, then like 50 more of the fuckers sitting in at a table waiting for someone...wtf?

Hai bonus

Hai bumhunters x.x

[boost]

random link:

http://celtics.fandome.com/video/109...Jumbotron/?q=c

super awesome. he must really like Bon Jovi.

that is seriously possibly the coolest viral video Ive ever seen.

[amagic]

Wow this video!
That was great show or man is crazy!

[will641]

thats what she said

can we make this a new smiley?

[boost]

just won this sick vintage leather motorcycle jacket on ebay for 71$!!

I measured myself, and Im pretty sure it will fit, but Im not exactly sure if it will be loose enough to fit a hoodie under or if it will be a tshirt only thing. I had reservations about it being red, and I had originally planned on black. But the cut and bulky zippers are awesome, and I think it will be cool to have a red jacket that stands out from all the black/brown vintage ones out there. Oh and its infinitely cooler than the modern riding jackets that they sell in stores now adays...

[bigred]

just won this sick vintage leather motorcycle jacket on ebay for 71$!!

I measured myself, and Im pretty sure it will fit, but Im not exactly sure if it will be loose enough to fit a hoodie under or if it will be a tshirt only thing. I had reservations about it being red, and I had originally planned on black. But the cut and bulky zippers are awesome, and I think it will be cool to have a red jacket that stands out from all the black/brown vintage ones out there. Oh and its infinitely cooler than the modern riding jackets that they sell in stores now adays...

imo

[boost]

yessssssss

p.s. if only I could find that jacket... my life would be complete.

p.p.s. I was thinking something more along these lines though..

[givememyleg]

random link:

http://celtics.fandome.com/video/109...Jumbotron/?q=c

super awesome. he must really like Bon Jovi.

that is seriously possibly the coolest viral video Ive ever seen.

lol wow epic

[Mr Bigcity]

Oh, and bike and boat. And snowmobile. Subway, of course. Maybe a trolley or two.

I would be even more impressed if you had traveled by hot air balloon

[ProZachNation]

that jacket is pretty sick.

Something kind of funny, the only time I ever did not wear my jacket was when I got hit.

Good news is I still got my jacket! haha

God sometimes I want to get another bike, but yeah I do not think I could deal with it.



In other news anyone want to do me a big big favor? I need like $500 on stars, I got money on Fulltilt. I could toss a few bucks whomevers way for helping me if they want.

[Warpe]

worst.pun.ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_B5UrI7nAI

[GatorJH]

worst.pun.ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_B5UrI7nAI

I still laughed though.

[boost]

best.pun.ever?