For god sakes. Who started this pitiful wine thread? Somebody shoot him in the face. It's like a group of people thrown into smoldering lava at the same time. One guy screams "Aaaaah, HELP ME!", while the guy next to him melts like a chocolate rabbit.

Why don't we all just hold hands and jump into a pile of tissues? Anyone have a razor blade? I wanna end it all right now by killing you all. Can somebody lock this sorry excuse for a pigpile? Seriously, if I wanted to vent into a giant void I would shit over the grand canyon.

I lost $1,000 in two days. Can someone cradle me in their hairy poker arms and stroke my scalp?