Hey, Fortune is this the APL? That's practically the only place I play poker of late.

There are some other great ones, though:

The Gotta-go. There are a couple variations on this one
1. Makes an idiotic call, shows down, and loses. When everyone laughs, heshe says "Screw it, I'm just trying to go home."
2. Runs a dumb bluff, and sucks out. Drags chips, laughing and says "I was just trying to go home." This one's *very annoying b/c heshe will fold, fold, fold, then raise it up. Everyone folds. "I'm just trying to go home!"
"You want to go home, start calling! Quit folding and raising!"

The Way-beneath-me
This guy (sorry, but I haven't seen a female one yet) usually just got back from Shreveport or the equivalent, where he played a couple $100 or $200 buyin tourneys and damn if he isn't going to make sure everyone knows that.
Makes a stupid-ass call. Loses.
"Hell, I don't worry about it unless the buyin is over 200..."
You should be thankful that this seasoned halfwit is willing to grace you free-poker-players with his presence; you cannot expect him to expend his precious brain power on it.

note I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, take free poker seriously (see below). I like to futz around a lot and try different things. But I don't announce my unfathomable superiority in this manner.

The Star of the Show. wtf, dude? It doesn't take three full minutes to decide whether to put your 200 imaginary dollars in the pot every mutualfunding time it comes to you. Also, since we've been playing with you for over six minutes, we know you suck and you're not actually thinking about what to do whilst all eyes are on you. You're just making us go through our blinds and our beer more quickly
note Working undercover for the bar/restaurant?

The Serious
Can't believe you accidentally exposed a card during the deal! Stop, everyone! What's the procedure? Whines to the tourney director lol:
http://www.flopturnriver.com/phpBB2/...pic.php?t=4149

Threatens to muck your hand if you do anything untoward. Like e.g. I sometimes go "c'mon, flop me some diamonds!" or worse:
http://www.flopturnriver.com/phpBB2/...ic.php?t=47643
note on the plus side, will carefully do all the math for three-way split pots for you.

Grandma
Dear, sweet Grandma.
Pros:
-won't raise with anything but AA/KK, ever.
-cute and sweet
-Calls down with any pocket pair.

Cons:
-somehow wins about half the time anyway.
-slow as hell
-can't handle her liquor